dying to self. pursuing jesus.
---- > SO. mission trip. moving to south america. for 9 months... how in the world did I reach this point? I've had a lot of people ask me about the background story, so here we are.
if someone asked me one word to describe this last year, i would probably have to say "growing." I've learned more things this last year than I ever imagined a year ago.
Some biggest realizations I have seen in myself:
that I'm self-centered.
that I'm oh so flawed.
unequipped.
unqualified.
and yet, he still chooses us to carry out his work.
And through this, He has taught me:
how to throw away my own plans.
the importance of praying daily.
to not be afraid of dreaming big.
to trust him through the storm.
In the last year, I felt missions having a stronger tug on my heart. It was always a little idea I'd bounce around ("maybe someday"), but as I started moving into the season of "deciding what you want to do for your life," ideas started becoming possible realities.
As I mentioned in the last post, college just didn't seem like it was the next step for me.
I was blessed with a huge opportunity to dual enroll for 3 years during high school, allowing me to get ahead a decent bit in college. Thus I didn't feel pressured (in fact, I felt stressed to continue so quickly) to rush into college and finish a degree right away.
Since my senior year of high school, the idea of missions has been very appealing to me, but it wasn't until this past year that I realized this "far-off idea" could soon become my reality. And suddenly, this appealing "dream of an idea" became terrifying. No longer a small thought I was bouncing around in my head, but instead a very, VERY real possibility of me packing up, leaving everyone I know and love, and living with a group of complete strangers for 8-9 months. Yeah, that seemed a little scary now.
Originally, I pictured myself doing a full gap year, during an entire school year. However, once the reality of it started sinking in, I felt myself chickening out and thought "Ok that's a little extreme, God, how about I just do 5-6 months instead? That way I still get the experience you have for me, but it can be a more comfortable alternative for myself. I can still enjoy all the fun things at home and just barely get out of my comfort zone with this trip."
(^ And God said "lol no." haha we have a pretty consistent history of this happening...) I make an alternative, more flesh-appealing plan, and the Lord says "No, daughter. I have so much more planned for you. Something beyond what you could hope and dream, just trust me."
Often, trust doesn't come super easily for me. Especially when it involves sacrificing my "perfect" human plans and wants, in exchange for something that is entirely unknown. But I am so grateful that the Lord combines our weaknesses with his strengths to creates something divine; which is exactly what He did for me in this scenario.
After researching multiple missionary organizations, reached out to a friend who I met at Summit Ministries during the previous summer. She was preparing to embark on a 6 month internship with a group called "Envision," which was affiliated with the Christian Missionary Alliance denomination. She encouraged me to research them and look into the opportunities they had.
After spending countless hours looking at their ministry sites, the focuses at each of the sites, expenses, duration of internships, etc. I finally narrowed down my top two picks to Peru and Ecuador. I decided to submit an interest form to Envision, simply informing them of my potential desire to partner with them. I remember taking that first (so small, yet so "this might become REAL") step was altogether terrifying and enthralling.
They responded within a week, excited to hear about my interest and encouraged me to follow up with any questions, and submit a formal application whenever I felt called to do so.
This all happened during early December, and I remember that for the rest of the month I prayed harder over that than I probably have ever before in my life. I felt so torn. So intrigued, yet so hesitant. So excited, yet so nervous. So called, yet so doubtful. "Is this really what God has for me?" "Is this just my human cravings and desires -- the spontaneous travel bug in me -- taking hold of this opportunity... Or am I truly being called to this by the Lord?"
I wrestled with these difficult questions for a month, full of so many mixed thoughts and emotions. However, I grew so much in my faith during that time, as I began to pray strategically: asking God for signs, for verbal confirmation through others, for red flags if this was NOT what he intended, etc. And He was so faithful in this!!
(Some preface to this ^ : during the fall, specifically october - november I felt sooo spiritually dry and as if my prayers were hitting the ceiling. I felt distant from the Lord, and didn't feel Him speaking truth into my life daily, as a I needed. Instead, I allowed myself to be filled with lies from the enemy, affecting different areas of my life: specifically causing stress among my grades/decisions for school and my future, as well as social groups, etc. The Lord was so faithful, however, in removing those burdens from my life and replacing them with contentment and joy through dependency upon Him. I am confident he took me through that dry season to prepare me for the things that were (and are!) to come.)
Some responses I received through this season of seeking and prayer were:
God suddenly out of nowhere sparked a massive desire in me to want to read books. And no, I'm not a huge reader. I'll read some occasionally here and there, but I can't describe what this was; all of a sudden I decided I was gonna begin the new year by creating a book list, and spent the remainder of my Christmas break FLYING through multiple books. I started with "When God Writes your Life Story," by Eric and Leslie Ludy, and followed that by "Start Here," by Alex and Brett Harris.
Both of those books unintentionally went together so well hand-in-hand. The first book emphasized the beauty in letting go of your own dreams and surrendering them to the Lord, and how he will lovingly maximize them to the fullest, for our good and HIS glory-- yes. That hit conviction jackpot big time. (I also have a cool story of how God used a small part of that book to impact me HERE.)
Honestly, that book is really what inspired me to move forward and submit my application. I wasn't 100% sure if it's what God had for me, but I knew that the urge to go kept coming back and hadn't left for the last 2 years. And I knew that I would regret this forever if I didn't at least try. Lastly, I didn't even know if I would or wouldn't get in!! I had nothing to lose, but everything to gain by applying for the position.
So I did it!
Pressing the "Submit" button was for some reason one of the scariest steps of the entire process for me. It was a sign of saying "I'm in. I'm committing to this, God; to at least TRY and fully embrace this opportunity & overall plans you have for me. No backing out, I'm following through with this and the interview, etc." It was such a growing moment! I submitted my application right after the New Year, and within a couple weeks had a response from Envision saying they were forwarding my application to a ministry called "Inca Link," (still a CMA denomination organization) whom they partnered with for all of their South American country sites, which were the countries in which I had applied to serve. (Thus, I was officially applying under Inca Link now, rather than Envision.)
Within a week or so, I received a response from the Inca Link training coordinator, saying she was excited to have received my application, and we immediately scheduled an interview for late January. I was nervous, but more than anything I was curious to find out whether or not this was what God had for me.
We skimmed my app, and she listened eagerly as I shared my story and interest in missions. I told her my time-frame, and that I was only looking at severing a few months or a semester (still remaining in my small comfort zone), but as she realized I was taking a full gap year either way, she told me about their new gap year program they had launched called "Link Year."
It was a 9 month program that would include 3 months in Colombia, Ecuador, and Peru, designed for college student-aged individuals who desired to take a year off of school and explore life on the mission field, to grow closer to the Lord. (hmmm, did that sound exactly like me or???) I was immediately filled with mixed emotions. WOW this sounded amazing but WOW 9 months was such a long time, and it dawned on me that I would be leaving in not 11 months, but in 7 short months (whaaaa??!), and then again, the idea of 9 long months hit me again: missing family holidays, leaving all of my loved ones, being gone from my job for that long. So many things... so many (worldly) things. I told her I was definitely interested but would need to pray about it before deciding.
I again began contemplating all of the fleshly desires I would miss while I would be serving. But then, all of the benefits of going came into play: 9 months of serving on the mission field. United with other young adult individuals, with similar passions in life. Being mentored during the journey by the married couple leading the trip. Growing in my faith and drawing more closely to Jesus, as I would experience His divinity in an entirely new capacity in three new countries.
I wrestled with these thoughts for about two weeks, feeling so torn. I think I knew deep down that this was what God was calling me to. Again, the idea of missions had been on my heart for 2 years. But the idea of the length of time and the reality slap on the face of "wow could really gonna happen" was so strong and intimidating. I was reminded however, of the lessons I had been learning of the Lord gently saying to me, "Allison. My plans for you are so much greater than you could ever ponder or think of. Lay aside your personal desires of the flesh. Let me, and me ALONE, fulfill you." This phrase kept being laid on my heart during this time of prayer and seeking wisdom and discernment.
I decided to officially apply for Link Year about a week after our interview. I thought, "Ok, I'll just do it. Then I'll see if I get in, and then we cross that bridge when we come to it."
So I emailed Inca Link my application, waiting impatiently for a response. And I received an email on Valentines Day saying that I was accepted!! (I remember it vividly. I was sitting with my two best friends at cafe intermezzo -- yes we were celebrating Galentines day together <3 -- and I was stunned to casually open my mail app and see an acceptance email from them!!!! Although I hadn't officially accepted the offer, it was another "WOWWW this is getting real" moment that blew me away.
So, back to my book list. I read the second book, "Start Here," in February. highlighted the responsibility we have as Christians to seize the God-given opportunities sitting around us, and exhorted followers of Jesus to be faithful stewards of our time on earth; therefore, if there was an opportunity that did not go against the Lord's will, and could easily be taken hold of, then have the courage and boldness to just GO FOR IT, starting where you are with the resources around you to take the first step. And guess what? If God closes the door in the process, then there you have it! It's not meant to be. But don't just sit around and watch all of the different possibilities pass by, and then wonder why you feel like the Lord isn't strong clarity toward you life's direction. Yes, that book hit home for me too !!
The following contains an excerpt from "Start Here" that gave me such strong clarity from the Lord:
"Faithfulness in one season prepares us to step into the next season with strength. Who knows what God is preparing for you next? In Chapter 3, we'll be looking at a few more guidelines for when to say yes and when to say no to a specific hard thing. For now, remember that being faithful in the season of preparation means saying yes to some hard things and no to others. More specifically, it means saying yes to preparation and no to distraction. But don't over analyze. If God gives you an opportunity to do a hard thing, your parents or godly mentors are supportive, and it doesn't conflict with your other God-given obligations, trust God and go for it! ... He will provide what-- and who -- you need to fulfill this new responsibility."
I read that paragraph at about 2am on February 16th.
And I remember sitting up in my bed, looking straight ahead, and saying aloud to myself. "Wow. I guess I'm going to South America. I'm positive of that."
After finalizing my decision with my parents and receiving their blessing on this, I emailed Inca Link to tell them I was accepting their offer for me to join their team as a gap year intern, and here we are!! Such a faith-building journey, that has only continued throughout the summer as I have been fund-raising, and WOW I haven't even left for the trip yet! I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue shaping me through this experience, and to see how I return changed for His glory.
More to come soon! In the meantime, know that I am truly so grateful for you support thus far, both financially and spiritually.
<3
-Allison Clark
Since my senior year of high school, the idea of missions has been very appealing to me, but it wasn't until this past year that I realized this "far-off idea" could soon become my reality. And suddenly, this appealing "dream of an idea" became terrifying. No longer a small thought I was bouncing around in my head, but instead a very, VERY real possibility of me packing up, leaving everyone I know and love, and living with a group of complete strangers for 8-9 months. Yeah, that seemed a little scary now.
Originally, I pictured myself doing a full gap year, during an entire school year. However, once the reality of it started sinking in, I felt myself chickening out and thought "Ok that's a little extreme, God, how about I just do 5-6 months instead? That way I still get the experience you have for me, but it can be a more comfortable alternative for myself. I can still enjoy all the fun things at home and just barely get out of my comfort zone with this trip."
(^ And God said "lol no." haha we have a pretty consistent history of this happening...) I make an alternative, more flesh-appealing plan, and the Lord says "No, daughter. I have so much more planned for you. Something beyond what you could hope and dream, just trust me."
Often, trust doesn't come super easily for me. Especially when it involves sacrificing my "perfect" human plans and wants, in exchange for something that is entirely unknown. But I am so grateful that the Lord combines our weaknesses with his strengths to creates something divine; which is exactly what He did for me in this scenario.
After researching multiple missionary organizations, reached out to a friend who I met at Summit Ministries during the previous summer. She was preparing to embark on a 6 month internship with a group called "Envision," which was affiliated with the Christian Missionary Alliance denomination. She encouraged me to research them and look into the opportunities they had.
After spending countless hours looking at their ministry sites, the focuses at each of the sites, expenses, duration of internships, etc. I finally narrowed down my top two picks to Peru and Ecuador. I decided to submit an interest form to Envision, simply informing them of my potential desire to partner with them. I remember taking that first (so small, yet so "this might become REAL") step was altogether terrifying and enthralling.
They responded within a week, excited to hear about my interest and encouraged me to follow up with any questions, and submit a formal application whenever I felt called to do so.
This all happened during early December, and I remember that for the rest of the month I prayed harder over that than I probably have ever before in my life. I felt so torn. So intrigued, yet so hesitant. So excited, yet so nervous. So called, yet so doubtful. "Is this really what God has for me?" "Is this just my human cravings and desires -- the spontaneous travel bug in me -- taking hold of this opportunity... Or am I truly being called to this by the Lord?"
I wrestled with these difficult questions for a month, full of so many mixed thoughts and emotions. However, I grew so much in my faith during that time, as I began to pray strategically: asking God for signs, for verbal confirmation through others, for red flags if this was NOT what he intended, etc. And He was so faithful in this!!
(Some preface to this ^ : during the fall, specifically october - november I felt sooo spiritually dry and as if my prayers were hitting the ceiling. I felt distant from the Lord, and didn't feel Him speaking truth into my life daily, as a I needed. Instead, I allowed myself to be filled with lies from the enemy, affecting different areas of my life: specifically causing stress among my grades/decisions for school and my future, as well as social groups, etc. The Lord was so faithful, however, in removing those burdens from my life and replacing them with contentment and joy through dependency upon Him. I am confident he took me through that dry season to prepare me for the things that were (and are!) to come.)
Some responses I received through this season of seeking and prayer were:
God suddenly out of nowhere sparked a massive desire in me to want to read books. And no, I'm not a huge reader. I'll read some occasionally here and there, but I can't describe what this was; all of a sudden I decided I was gonna begin the new year by creating a book list, and spent the remainder of my Christmas break FLYING through multiple books. I started with "When God Writes your Life Story," by Eric and Leslie Ludy, and followed that by "Start Here," by Alex and Brett Harris.
Both of those books unintentionally went together so well hand-in-hand. The first book emphasized the beauty in letting go of your own dreams and surrendering them to the Lord, and how he will lovingly maximize them to the fullest, for our good and HIS glory-- yes. That hit conviction jackpot big time. (I also have a cool story of how God used a small part of that book to impact me HERE.)
Honestly, that book is really what inspired me to move forward and submit my application. I wasn't 100% sure if it's what God had for me, but I knew that the urge to go kept coming back and hadn't left for the last 2 years. And I knew that I would regret this forever if I didn't at least try. Lastly, I didn't even know if I would or wouldn't get in!! I had nothing to lose, but everything to gain by applying for the position.
So I did it!
Pressing the "Submit" button was for some reason one of the scariest steps of the entire process for me. It was a sign of saying "I'm in. I'm committing to this, God; to at least TRY and fully embrace this opportunity & overall plans you have for me. No backing out, I'm following through with this and the interview, etc." It was such a growing moment! I submitted my application right after the New Year, and within a couple weeks had a response from Envision saying they were forwarding my application to a ministry called "Inca Link," (still a CMA denomination organization) whom they partnered with for all of their South American country sites, which were the countries in which I had applied to serve. (Thus, I was officially applying under Inca Link now, rather than Envision.)
Within a week or so, I received a response from the Inca Link training coordinator, saying she was excited to have received my application, and we immediately scheduled an interview for late January. I was nervous, but more than anything I was curious to find out whether or not this was what God had for me.
We skimmed my app, and she listened eagerly as I shared my story and interest in missions. I told her my time-frame, and that I was only looking at severing a few months or a semester (still remaining in my small comfort zone), but as she realized I was taking a full gap year either way, she told me about their new gap year program they had launched called "Link Year."
It was a 9 month program that would include 3 months in Colombia, Ecuador, and Peru, designed for college student-aged individuals who desired to take a year off of school and explore life on the mission field, to grow closer to the Lord. (hmmm, did that sound exactly like me or???) I was immediately filled with mixed emotions. WOW this sounded amazing but WOW 9 months was such a long time, and it dawned on me that I would be leaving in not 11 months, but in 7 short months (whaaaa??!), and then again, the idea of 9 long months hit me again: missing family holidays, leaving all of my loved ones, being gone from my job for that long. So many things... so many (worldly) things. I told her I was definitely interested but would need to pray about it before deciding.I again began contemplating all of the fleshly desires I would miss while I would be serving. But then, all of the benefits of going came into play: 9 months of serving on the mission field. United with other young adult individuals, with similar passions in life. Being mentored during the journey by the married couple leading the trip. Growing in my faith and drawing more closely to Jesus, as I would experience His divinity in an entirely new capacity in three new countries.
I wrestled with these thoughts for about two weeks, feeling so torn. I think I knew deep down that this was what God was calling me to. Again, the idea of missions had been on my heart for 2 years. But the idea of the length of time and the reality slap on the face of "wow could really gonna happen" was so strong and intimidating. I was reminded however, of the lessons I had been learning of the Lord gently saying to me, "Allison. My plans for you are so much greater than you could ever ponder or think of. Lay aside your personal desires of the flesh. Let me, and me ALONE, fulfill you." This phrase kept being laid on my heart during this time of prayer and seeking wisdom and discernment.
I decided to officially apply for Link Year about a week after our interview. I thought, "Ok, I'll just do it. Then I'll see if I get in, and then we cross that bridge when we come to it."
So I emailed Inca Link my application, waiting impatiently for a response. And I received an email on Valentines Day saying that I was accepted!! (I remember it vividly. I was sitting with my two best friends at cafe intermezzo -- yes we were celebrating Galentines day together <3 -- and I was stunned to casually open my mail app and see an acceptance email from them!!!! Although I hadn't officially accepted the offer, it was another "WOWWW this is getting real" moment that blew me away.
So, back to my book list. I read the second book, "Start Here," in February. highlighted the responsibility we have as Christians to seize the God-given opportunities sitting around us, and exhorted followers of Jesus to be faithful stewards of our time on earth; therefore, if there was an opportunity that did not go against the Lord's will, and could easily be taken hold of, then have the courage and boldness to just GO FOR IT, starting where you are with the resources around you to take the first step. And guess what? If God closes the door in the process, then there you have it! It's not meant to be. But don't just sit around and watch all of the different possibilities pass by, and then wonder why you feel like the Lord isn't strong clarity toward you life's direction. Yes, that book hit home for me too !!
The following contains an excerpt from "Start Here" that gave me such strong clarity from the Lord:
"Faithfulness in one season prepares us to step into the next season with strength. Who knows what God is preparing for you next? In Chapter 3, we'll be looking at a few more guidelines for when to say yes and when to say no to a specific hard thing. For now, remember that being faithful in the season of preparation means saying yes to some hard things and no to others. More specifically, it means saying yes to preparation and no to distraction. But don't over analyze. If God gives you an opportunity to do a hard thing, your parents or godly mentors are supportive, and it doesn't conflict with your other God-given obligations, trust God and go for it! ... He will provide what-- and who -- you need to fulfill this new responsibility."
I read that paragraph at about 2am on February 16th.
And I remember sitting up in my bed, looking straight ahead, and saying aloud to myself. "Wow. I guess I'm going to South America. I'm positive of that."
After finalizing my decision with my parents and receiving their blessing on this, I emailed Inca Link to tell them I was accepting their offer for me to join their team as a gap year intern, and here we are!! Such a faith-building journey, that has only continued throughout the summer as I have been fund-raising, and WOW I haven't even left for the trip yet! I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue shaping me through this experience, and to see how I return changed for His glory.
More to come soon! In the meantime, know that I am truly so grateful for you support thus far, both financially and spiritually.
<3
-Allison Clark
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